dread has been a frequent companion lately. i have been doing my best to not go to war with it, and given that this is a relatively new intention - being with what is - the attempts to vanquish this dread, or run from it, or avoid it altogether - are still as frequent as not. cranes in the sky.
i spoke with a friendforlife earlier this evening, who came to my aid, frankly, and pulled tarot cards to offer some guidance. she reminded me that full moons are a time to ask ourselves what we are ready to release, especially poignant on this last one of the year. the card was so accurate i was speechless, its description had the line “we are never really stuck.”
sometimes i wonder if the cosmos is looking at me with their head tilted to the side as i tangle myself into elaborate emotional knots that breed immense suffering like, are you done yet? or are you ready to ask for help?
the guidance, the care is right there. for me, asking is usually the hardest part. asking requires that you imagine that another reality might be possible, requires an openness to what redemption might lie in the gd NYPD impound lot. i also sometimes wonder if the cosmos is openly mocking me.
after i paid one of the largest armies in the world to fetch the car, it wouldn’t start. and before i had a conniption the police officer who had driven me to the car told me to turn the steering wheel and it started right away.
Mark Nepo says that we are always 6 inches away from heaven and the gutter. which is to say, we are close to each other, we are close to what we need, what we long for.
i don’t know, shift.