gigantic leaf

i don’t know if you can tell but these leaves are gigantic like the size of a human torso. at least someone around here is taking nourishment seriously. i walked by them feeling rather bent out of shape, rather put upon, and felt quieted, encouraged by their sturdiness, they seemed refreshed in the shadow of the morning.

the worry happens so fast. Tara Brach introduced me to a prayer from Elizabeth Lesser that i’ve held close in recent years, “Lord remove the veils so I might see what’s really happening here and not be intoxicated by my stories and my fears.” the stories based on my unsurfaced fears that i tell are sensational let me tell you.

i was looking at Elizabeth Lesser’s website earlier this week, to see what else this person, who wrote this resonant ass prayer, had written or offered. A lot, it turns out. she’s been on Oprah and stuff. She calls this practice wooing the soul:

“Every time you feel yourself slipping into despair or bitterness, shame or meanness toward yourself or others, take your hand and bring it gently to the top of your head. Stroke your hair (or bald spot) as if you were patting the little head of a baby, or your dog or cat. Pat your head, and whisper (or say silently to yourself), “good girl”, “good boy” or whatever endearment you would say to your most precious child or beloved pet. Do this for just a minute or less—don’t make it into a big deal. But do it often; every time you feel yourself sinking into self-recrimination or cynicism, pat your head (or if that seems too childish, place your hand on your heart and feel the warmth spreading into your chest, and bathing you with acceptance and love.) You can do this practice anywhere. If you are at work you can pretend you're fixing your hair or scratching an itch. After a while just a touch creates a Pavlovian response of gentle self-forgiveness, inner harmony, even joy.”1

I, for one, want to vomit at “good girl” or “good boy” or even “good them.” However, i am considering subbing in “precious bobcat,” which i heard someone say and found hilarious, or maybe even “gigantic leaf” (maybe GL for short?). here we are, needing light as much as plants do. the prospect of this head patting is a bit daft, a lot of body based emotional regulation practices are. More daft than these is spilling my bitterness and fear all over someone one else, stewing in, exacerbating the fuckshit and for what. i think this is what people mean when they say not today satan. i hear Sorrow Is Not My Name, the title of the Ross Gay poem.2 And worry is not mine.

and green is really, really our color.