seething, beginning to seethe (this is a rant)

last thursday, i read this headline “After 3 Mass Shootings, a Thanksgiving With 14 Empty Chairs.”1 and i wanted to hurt someone.

i had learned earlier that day that the new york times does not have a single indigenous reporter.

i had also learned earlier that day that the National Day of Mourning began when Wamsutta Frank James, a member of the Wampanoag Tribe of Gay Head (Aquinnah) in the Plymouth area was asked to speak to celebrate the 350th anniversary of the arrival of the pilgrims and he said absolutely not.2 pilgrims and their descendants (myself included) have so much fucking nerve. it’s corrosive. in other words, when your head is in the sand your ass is exposed.3

i had also listened to this discussion on the wednesday prior about broader and more insidious, institutional transphobia and homophobia creating the context for the Club Q shooting, which includes the manipulative and distorted reporting the new york times published about hormone blockers for trans kids.

i was feeling hot and sad about more than just the headline.

and the headline was confronting. reminded me what we hold sacred in this very sinister place. that the tragedy worth naming is that people can’t participate in a celebration of genocide and plunder. that the tragedy is that these people are so kind, and caring, and gay straight black white how american la di fucking da. tragedy to me implies accident, implies unpreventable. what a terrible fate that is out of our hands. but it’s not out of our hands.

the article mentioned that there have been over 600 mass shootings this year, and over 30 in November alone.4 i’m learning that “No matter how disturbing or compelling or implicating or clear, knowledge does not (or does not necessarily) mean a change in either action or belief.”5

i think the anger is easier to feel than the helplessness and heartache, easier to feel than my own complicity. why aren’t we better yet preserves a safe distance. “safe” distance.

i’m trying not to get used to this relentless slaughter. i’m afraid that i already am. “I am afraid of what I must do to survive in the world.”6

james baldwin quote in subtitle is from this video: